First it’s an itch. I rub my eyes. The itching goes on. Now my nose is itching.  And it’s harder to breathe. Oh man. I need a fix.  I need it BAD.  The itching, the scratching, the sniffling. I really need a fix. No.  Not yet.  It’s only been 23 hours since my last dose. [...]

Remember those putrid shampoo ads from the 80′s with Kelly LeBrock entreating us not to hate her because she’s beautiful?  And insisting that Pantene was the magic potion that made her hot enough to play a sex object created by a very dorky Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science?  No?  Shit, you people make me [...]

Every day at 5:15 pm, I run my personal gauntlet of temptation. It begins at the top of escalator out of the metro, leading me into Union Station, an historic train station, metro stop, and shopping destination that stands between me and getting to daycare on time to pick up my son. My child awaits, [...]

photo from costco.co.uk To begin with, I must make this clear.  I love Costco.  I really do.  I like any place that will sell me everything I ever needed in quantities that ensure I may never need to buy it again.  I think I bought a lifetime supply my my facial cleanser this past weekend.  [...]

Craig’s List Ad:For Sale (Or For Free) One larynx. Two years old.  In nearly mint condition.  Capable of high decibel, high-frequency noise emissions.  May violate FCC standards for acceptable volume of whining.  The whining.  It’s…oh, god…its so horrible.  He whines when he wakes up, before I’ve had any coffee.  He whines when we get dressed, [...]

I just bought another glossy gossip tabloid because it has an article about Kourtney Kardashian and her baby-daddy in it.  This is getting to be expensive habit and it’s causing me to read lots of extraneous Hollywood gossip like how Kelly Osbourne lost weight (my guess: she washed off half a ton of eyeliner and [...]

My Butt An Essay by Mom-In-A-Million My butt is lumpy and sad.  It’s white and covered in cellulite and not perky.  At. All.  It’s not the biggest butt on the block but it’s not the smallest either.  It has no muscle tone.  It looks a lot what I imagine the landscape of Antarctica to look [...]

Usually, the evening routine is pretty simple.  I pick C. up at daycare, he demands a banana which I produce immediately, often after buying a banana for the ridiculous sum of $1 from Au Bon Pain on my way to get him, we hit the metro, and go home.  He likes the banana and the [...]

We’ve all been there, right?  The kid or kids are out of control, you’ve lost the ability to halt or help the tantrums, you’re ready to capitulate to any demand, even one for a pony that will live and poop in the family room, just to get the noise to stop. You cannot take any [...]

I got a cool-looking catalog in the mail last night.  Or rather, the lady who used to own our house got it but I didn’t think she’d mind if I flipped through it and it said “Lady Who Used To Live Here or Current Resident” so it’s not mail tampering. It was one of these [...]