Dear House of Representatives, In God We Trust? Really? That’s the best you could come up with? Listen, I know things are shitty for you now. Your approval rating among the American people dipped down to 9% recently and I strongly suspect that the 9% who said they approved of you were actually stoned at [...]

This was originally published last year as a “diary” entry on Daily Kos during my short-lived attempt to write there. I like the site but I found the discussion on any posts I wrote too unpleasant to make writing there fun.  I stopped doing it and took down all my posts.  I resurrected this one [...]

Memorandum To: Donald Trump From: Mom-in-a-Million Re: Your Presidential Aspirations Date: April 26, 2011   It has come to my attention that you are growing increasingly serious in your bloviating about a run for the Presidency in 2012. When you first started discussing this, I was under the impression that you were merely behaving in [...]

Dear Anne Hathaway, I think we could be really good friends if you would stop trying to be Gracie Allen to James Franco’s deeply stoned George Burns. Please insist on better writing next time you host something so I can like you again. *** Dear James Franco: Put down the bong. *** Dear Helena Bohnam [...]

Dear Billy Ray, Or is it just Billy? Just Ray? Oh, gawd. I’ll just call you Mr. C because it reminds me of Happy Days and I get to sound like the Fonz and you get to sound like a model dad. Even though I don’t think lovely Mr. Cunningham would ever have had to [...]

Dear Any Woman Who is Considering Sleeping With Charlie Sheen: Back. Away. From. The. Deeply. Troubled. Celebrity. Listen, for all you porn stars, hookers, wanna be porn stars, wanna be hookers, and anyone who is hoping to get a foothold in Hollywood by nailing an established star with his own sitcom, Charlie Sheen is not [...]

Dear Mrs. Obama, Have you let your husband out of your sight since Saturday? The look on your face during the moment of silence for the Tucson shooting victims spoke volumes to me. You look grimly terrified in the pictures. You look like a woman who is willing to throw herself in front of a [...]

Dear Hef, Congratulations! You’re getting married! You must be overwhlemed with joy! This is an exciting event in the life of a young ma-. Oh. Right. Not young. But it’s still exciting! Marriage isn’t the province of the young, after all, and even 84 year old men are entitled to new adventures.With 24 year old [...]

As many of you know, Kardashian Konfidential comes out next week and the Pulitzer Committee is probably sharpening its pencils to cast ballots for it as the greatest work of literature of 2010. Or perhaps they just want to correct the spelling of “konfidential”. Hard to say. Whatever the case, I am sending one last [...]

Dear Spencer, You’re fired from being human. Here’s why. This quote, right here: “The divorce was real – just the idea behind it was different than most people’s,” Spencer tells Life & Style. “Divorcing was the only way to keep Heidi’s career going because everyone hated me so much. Look at Sandra Bullock – her [...]