Barack Obama: John.
John Boehner: Mr. President.
BO: What have you got?
JB: A clusterfuck. I want to give you rate hikes on income over $400k but my conference isn’t having it.
BO: Your conference sounds like a bunch of douchebags.
JB: Tell me about it. They’re gonna cockblock the $400K figure so plan B is hikes on income over a million.
BO: That doesn’t solve our revenue problem.
JB: I know. What progress have you made on cuts?
BO: I tried bringing up Social Security but since it has its own funding stream and doesn’t add to the deficit, no one wants to mess with it. Might be able to raise the Medicare age, though.
JB: That’s gonna piss off the AARP.
BO: Not my problem. I don’t have any more elections where I need them.
JB: You’re a lucky man. My guys are already clamoring to go home on the 21st and start raising money for 2014.
BO: If they do that, we go off the cliff.
JB: You’ll really let that happen.
BO: Yeah. I’ll let it happen. And when I do, your conference will have to scramble in January not to look like the guys who let it happen.
JB: You’re the one letting it happen.
BO: No, you are.
JB: No, YOU are.
BO: No, YOU…
Michelle Obama (pokes head in): Barack! John! Stop arguing like a couple of school kids. Don’t make me call the Congressional Budget Office in here to settle this.
BO: Sorry, Michelle. So, John. Press conferences?
JB: Uh-huh. Talk again Wednesday?
BO: Yeah, but bring legislative counsel then. We need to draft this sucker so we can get a vote by the 24th.
JB: Fair enough. See you then.