Yesterday, stark.raving.mad.mommy. and I gave you the Special Douche Categories that we invented for people who were too evil to be mere douches. We know douches and the folks we discussed yesterday are not just your average feminine hygiene accessory.They are more like some sort of torture device and I wouldn’t be sad if all of them voluntarily locked themselves in little cages for the rest of forever.
(I find it interesting that she and I seem to be the world’s leading experts on douchebags and I think we both need to put it on our resumes).
Today we give you the list that involves misplaced (married) penises, questionable clothing for kids, celebrity temper tantrums, and that intensley creepy guy who married a teen-ager and many, many more. Enjoy!
#10 Doug Hutchinson - This is the skeevy actor who at age 51, married 16-year-old Courtney Stodden. There is something very, very wrong with this whole situation. First of all, we suspect that Courtney Stodden is actually 45 years old. It seems impossible that any teenager could look quite so, um … unwholesome as Courtney Stodden. She’s got the damaged hair and weathered skin of a much older woman. However, she’s got the frosted eyeshadow of a 12-year-old, so who’s to say? No matter what her age is, Hutchinson consistently looks like her douchebag creeper grandfather. And even if their love is real? Their Christmas card photo with Stodden in a bikini and Hutchinson dressed as Santa, put them over the edge into holiday douchedom extraordinaire. -SRMM
#9 Rick Perry – I would like to take a moment to remember the late, great Molly Ivins who used to refer to Governor Perry as the Coiffure or Governor Goodhair. I would also like to steal those labels. Governor Goodhair is trying to become Coiffure in Chief for all of us. His dedication to his campaign is admirable. His dedication to his state? Not so much. Texas experienced tragic wildfires this year and the Coiffure debated as Austin burned. I don’t know who was managing the crisis at home while the governor was appearing on tv in GOP debates, but it wasn’t the man elected to do that job. Add in the fact that his budget cuts led to firefighters having to pay for their own equipment and I think they should have given the Governor a squeeze in the direction of those fires and used his essence of douche to extinguish them. -MIAM
#8 More Than One Douchebag at Dover Air Force Base – We’re naming the chain of command that allowed hundreds of military personnel’s remains to be disrespectfully dumped into a landfill at Dover Air Force Base our Douchebag Number 8. These people deserve the middle-finger salute for dishonoring those who have died in service to our country, and for making their families’ heartbreak even worse. -SRMM
#7 Everyone Running for Office in 2011 - Politicians win this spot for spending obscene amounts of money on annoying television ads when our schools can’t afford textbooks, copier paper, and teacher salaries. Granted, Herman Cain appears to have spent approximately 87 cents making what was arguably the worst political ad of all time, featuring his campaign manager Mark Block taking a long drag off a cigarette. (On the other hand, Mark Block is so creepy that it really reinforced to kids that they should never, ever smoke. How about we agree to vote for the first one who dumps his or her warchest o’ dough into the public school system. –SRMM (Special addendum from MIAM: Also, it’s totally whack that the campaign for the 2012 election has been going on for a year already.)
#6 Spouses of the Lying Cheating Persuasion - I’ve been cheated on. It sucks monkey balls. After I found out, I asked the boyfriend in question why he didn’t just break up with me before diddling around. He had no good answer and I’m betting infideli-douches Kobe Bryant, Ashton Kutcher, and Arnold Schwartzenegger don’t either. These guys had kick-ass wives at home but that still couldn’t keep their zippers aloft long enough to file for divorce before acting like creepy horndogs. Their wives, however, are all taking the Elin Nordergern high road. Every one of them is a class act in the face of epic douchery. Brava, ladies, brava. -MIAM
#5 Alec Baldwin – Oh Alec. You can narrate Thomas the Train, you can frolic with Tina Fey on 30 Rock, you can do hilarious web videos supporting marriage equality in New York. You can do all that and still, the memory of the horrible phone messages you left your daughter linger in our memory. Which is why no one was surprised about the details of your temper tantrum on an airplane when asked to comply with FAA regulations and power down your phone mid-Words With Friends game once the door was closed . Insulting the flight attendant on Twitter after she removed you and your phone from the plane wasn’t too smooth either. And then you shut down your Twitter account, which is tantamount of a confession. Oh Alec, you’re a douche in cool guy clothing but a douche all the same. -MIAM
#4 Children’s clothing designers who think being stupid and/or trashy = adorable – You know what? We expect this crap from Forever 21. We didn’t expect it (until this year) from JC Penney or Gymboree. This year, Gymboree sold bodysuits for baby boys with “smart like daddy” on them” For girls, there was only “pretty like Mommy.” Thanks, Gymboree, for setting the stage for our kids to value only looks in girls, and smarts only in boys. At the top of this dungpile is JC Penney, which may have had the single douchiest clothing item of the year: a sweatshirt for girls with “I’m too pretty to do homework, so my brother has to do it for me” emblazoned on it It was also a banner year for douchetastic designers of really, really inappropriate children’s shoes. Here’s a tip for children’s shoe designers: if a little girl can’t manage an actual buckle and must resort to Velcro, she does not need platform heels on her sandals. Mmkay? -SRMM
#3 Anthony Weiner – Speaking of Twitter (see: Alec Baldwin), Anthony Weiner was responsible for the Tweet heard round the world. The Honorable Representative from New York engaged in some non-legislative activity with a woman on the West Coast that included a junk shot sent to the whole Twitterverse, instead of as a DM to the intended recipient. Did I mention that the intended recipient was not Anthony’s wife? Who was pregnant at the time? Weiner tried to defend against the snowballing scandal as word of the, ahem, eponymous pictures circulated but alas. The Weiner was cooked. He admitted to the tweet and resigned from Congress. But not to worry, despite one Weiner shrinking away, there are plenty of other douches on Capitol Hill. -MIAM
#2 Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries (tie) – So, what’s worse? Selecting a potential spouse as if he were a handbag and treating him with the same regard as an accessory? Or marrying a woman you went out with, not out of a genuine interest in dating her, but because the producers of her reality show asked you to
be a prop date her? The Humphries/Kardashian nuptials were a multi-million dollar charade, apparently, and they culminated in a divorce filing only 72 days later. Cries of hoax reverberated around the internet and Kim and Kris were accused of faking the whole thing. My theory? Left to their own devices they would have broken up when they discovered that they have nothing in common but a film crew. But the reality tv world accelerated their courtship into a sprint down the aisle and a scramble to un-do the I do. Also? I betcha something in the pre-nup kicked in at 90 days and Kim bolted before that happened. Regardless, Kim and Kris and the reality tv machinery, in their douchery, maltreated the institution of marriage in a way the gay community never would. Just sayin’. -MIAM
#1 Ohio Special Education Teacher Christie Wilt, and Aide Kelly Chaffins – These two were found guilty this year of bullying a 14-year-old girl with special needs in their classroom. The girl’s parents’ concerns were initially dismissed by the Miami Trace Local School District. The district’s superintendent said that the parents’ accusations “bordered on slander and harrassment.” The girl’s parents then made the decision to have their daughter wired, and recorded the teacher and aide bullying the girl for four days. The teacher and aide were recorded as saying things like, “are you that damn dumb?” and “no wonder no one likes you.” Faced with that evidence, the school district has settled a lawsuit with the family. The district also requested, and received, Chaffins’ resignation. The district did not, however, terminate or suspend Wilt, the teacher in charge of the classroom. She has been required to complete eight hours of classes which will teacher how to stop bullying and spot child abuse. Sadly, we don’t believe those classes will be capable of teaching her not to be a douche. -SRMM