This Week in WTF: Register This

I’m back! I’m done with my vacations, summer slothfulness and general slackitude and I’m ready to start lampooning the world around me again. And just in time, too, since the crazy is starting to crawl back out of the woodwork. For one thing, Congress gets back to town today. That’s like Christmas for people like me who live to armchair quarterback the actions – and inactions – of the legislative branch. For another thing, weirdos of all stripes are running amok. AMOK, I say.

The first weirdo is a “pastor” of an internet “church” who suggested creating a registry of atheists. For informational purposes, natch. He says the registry would alert Christians to the location of atheists so they could go proseletyze to them. So it’s really for the atheists’ own good, I guess? He also compared it to the sex offender registry so apparently he thinks atheists will harm children, possibly by chanting “There is no god, nanny nanny boo boo.” Or something. Anyway, this guy is clearly insane, a bigot and also stupid. Because I suspect that, if he were to think about it more completely, he would realize he’s also a bigot against Jews, Muslims, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhists and anyone else who isn’t a member of his “church.” So, what he really needs is a registry of his congregants and he can assume anyone NOT on this list offends him. Then he should do the math, realize there are more of us than him, and seal himself into his house with duct tape, don a tinfoil hat, and await the Rapture.

I read last night on Dr. Jen Gunter’s blog that the sale of sex toys is illegal in Alabama. That’s right. Devices meant to stimulate the genitals cannot be legally sold in Alabama. No vibrators, no anal beads, no blow-up dolls, no Kardashains…but I repeat myself. Never mind that this is an example of the Pussy Police invading individual bedrooms in a fairly blatant and frankly uptight way. It’s actually probably restraint of trade and a violation of the Commerce Clause of the Constitution. You know. The part of the Constitution some people like to wave around when they object to the individual insurance mandate in the Affordable Care Act. This ban keeps down entrepreneurs in Alabama who could make a fortune selling so-called marital aids to women who are married to rednecks who wouldn’t know foreplay if it bit them in the ass. Which they might like. Anyway, the whole thing seems stupid and sexist to me and I kind of feel like organizing a massive protest where we all mail vibrators to the governor and legislature. Lots of vibrators. Big vibrators. Funky Japanese ones that look like cartoon animals. And those big rubber dildos shaped like fists. Not that I’ve ever seen one of those in person. Just on the internet. ::waves:: Hi Mom! I’m not a pervert! Really!

Finally, the people of Alabama better hope that this guy doesn’t move to their state or pool floats and inflatable yard displays could end up on the banned-for-sale list because he likes to have sex with them. Don’t ask me how he does it because I don’t want to invest any mental energy in imagining hot man-on-inflatable-pumpkin action. And while I can’t really support at atheist registry, I would support a registry of people who boink lawn ornaments and what their preferences are so I can know what NOT to buy for Halloween.

UPDATE: For to send to Alabama. And for to show you what I mean by fist dildo. (Look away, Mom!)

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7 comments for “This Week in WTF: Register This

  1. amy
    September 6, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Isn’t amazing how many stupid and ignorant people are around us. OY

  2. September 6, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Definitely glad I don’t live in Alabama.

  3. September 6, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    This post was really screaming for more illustrations.

  4. anonymous
    September 7, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Take a closer look at the ad for the fist dildo. “Best price OR buy new”!!! Just what everyone needs, a used fist dildo :-/

  5. September 7, 2011 at 10:53 am

    “Or buy new.” Oh. Mah. Gah.

  6. jen
    September 13, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    I so love you and your sense of humour.

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